Need and Fear

“And you became like the coffee, in the deliciousness, and the bitterness and the addiction.”
Mahmoud Darwish


Some people change your entire world for the better.

The other day I was at a mate’s gig, and for his closing song he chose one written for a close friend of his. He told the audience this, pointing her out, and seeing the smile on her face warmed my heart and reminded me of the special people in my own life. The song was absolutely beautiful and I got the chance to talk the woman in question for a bit after, while she was still beaming with pride, embarrassment and joy. Their bond had never been more obvious.

Do you have a person like that in your life, Dear Reader? Someone who inspires you and elevates you, making your everyday just a little bit brighter? The kind of person who not only says and does the right things, but who inspires you to do and say the right things in return – a friend or lover or both whose mere presence in your life makes you a better, happier person. Someone you would trust with anything and everything. I hope you do.

I have been blessed with knowing many great people over the years. People who have irrevocably changed me and improved me – sometimes smoothly and other times only through great pain. For me, there’s one such person in particular. Someone who has shone a light into every dark corner of my soul, bringing to light things I thought I had long buried.

I’ve always been something of a loner. Keeping to myself, hovering on the fringe of every social circle I’ve belonged to, never really letting anyone in completely. There are many reasons for that – reasons better left for another time. The point is that I’ve always made sure to stay independent, to never rely on any one person for my needs, to stay protected. Even in love. No single person in my life has ever had the complete puzzle of me. Whenever I’ve been hurt or injured or sad, other people have been a bother that I’ve retreated from. At my darkest and most vulnerable, I’ve always wanted to be completely alone. Always.

Until now.

Now, I’ve found myself wanting to be with her when I feel down. No matter what my state of mind, she always makes life easier and brighter – sometimes actively, with words or gestures or actions; sometimes just by being there and inspiring a better mood in me. For the first time ever, I find myself not merely  wanting another person in my life, but actually needing that person.

And that, Dear Reader, scares the shit out of me…

  • Read – The Silence of the Lambs; Thomas Harris
  • Watch – Casablanca; Michael Curtiz
  • Listen – When You Are Old; Martina McBride

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