Life

The best laid plans…

”We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
—Joseph Campbell

SpikeSmallLife has a tendency to happen to us while we are busy making other plans.

This past week was supposed to be a vacation from my day job and a chance to really get a boost in my creativity – to write, specifically. My goal for the week was to finalize and send off the story I wrote last month, write a brand new short story, edit an old one or two from my pile of hand written manuscripts, get at least one blog post down and do some drawing. As you might have guessed Dear Reader, that did not quite happen. Instead I have spent the week tip-toeing around excruciating pain. You see, on Monday I had an unlucky fall which caused some temporary but debilitating problems with the sciatic nerve on my left side. Now, five days later, I can walk unaided without pain but shifting in my seat or in my bed still brings severe discomfort. So instead of spending the week out and about, writing and being inspired, I’ve been a prisoner in my own body. Despite spending hours upon hours alone in front of the computer or at my desk I haven’t gotten much done at all.

Pain, lack of sleep and boredom make terrible muses, or so it seems.

That said, I have still managed to be somewhat creative: I’m halfway through editing a brief short story and I have done some minor sketching and drawing (like the little guy above – Spike – who might feature in some future endeavors I am planning).

My body is not so subtly telling me I’ve been sitting here too long, though – I shall leave you with some recommendations, and a warm welcome to those of you who just started following my insanity after last weeks post about Neil Gaiman. I am humbled by your appreciation – thank you!

 

  • Read – Ocean At the End of the Lane; Neil Gaiman
  • Watch – Mirrormask; Dave McKean & Neil Gaiman
  • Listen – My Shit’s Fucked Up; Warren Zevon

Collaboration and Recommendation

“Never forget benefits done you, no matter how small.”
—Vietnamese proverb

 

My collaborator Richard Wright has announced that he is going to publish two eBooks of stories from his project The 52. However, instead of choosing which stories to publish he will let YOU decide! From each half of the project, Richard will pick the ten stories with the most reads on his page. So if you want to see the story inspired by my drawing in a collection, please click on the link below and have a read:

The Echo of Strangers
The Echo of Strangers

 

You can read more about Richard’s plans for the project in his post Story Idol III.

Apart from this, life is keeping me busy as ever. I’m putting the final touches on a new short story, I’m wrestling with an art commission that has given me exceptional amounts of trouble and made me doubt if I’d ever draw anything decent again (people talk of writer’s block, but let me tell you – illustrator’s block is just as dispiriting!) and I’m trying to map out my writing, blogging and drawing goals for the next few months.

So far, so good.

I’ll leave you with another recommendation: this year’s winner of Norway’s Got Talent, Angelina Jordan, is well worth a listen. 8 years old, with the voice of an old soul, she does the loveliest renditions of old jazz tunes. If she can keep her love of music and cultivate her talent and voice, she’ll have a glorious career ahead of her. Check out the winning performance below:

 

Life and Death

”If we are not careful, we end up asking what life tasted like.”
—Jonathan Carroll

How would you live your life if you found out that you were going to die?

This question has kept confronting me in various ways the past few years, but life has had a tendency to interrupt and shift my thoughts to more trivial, short term problems. This week, the question was posed to me again, and I started to really think. I think I have an idea now of how I would want to live if my days were numbered – and I’m lucky enough to live a life that is already part-way there. I would want to spend more time creating tings – paint, write, sculpt, design, draw – and spend time with those people I love who make my days happier. I’d want to read more and learn more and possibly travel. Travel always comes up as a thing that people want to do before it is too late, but when I really thought about it I realized that it isn’t really true for me. I’d love to travel to meet friends, but traveling to see sights and experience other cultures isn’t high on my list. The wonders of literature and modern technology give me the key points and knowledge that previously required extensive travel, the internet lets you see the wonders (albeit a poor version of experiencing them first hand), and in the end: no matter where you go there you are. It’d be nice, yes – but loved ones, art and study take precedence.

But what would you do – how would you live if you were nearing the end of your life? Would you stay at your current job, working the same hours; would you stay with your current partner; would you do the same things in your spare time? What would you want to do more of and what would you want to experience before it is too late? What dreams and longing would you want to fulfill?

Think about it for awhile. What is it that matters most to you and how would that affect the way you live if you knew you were going to lose those things? Have you got an idea?

Now, I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you: you are going to die.

Slowly or quickly, silently or in pain, with a bang or with a whimper – the details are irrelevant. Every breath leaves you one less to your last. It is an inevitable, irrefutable fact. We are all going to die, so why do we put off that which we really want to do other things? Why compromise with the precious years we have left just because we do not know how numerous they are?

Start living like you were dying because – really – you are.

Life

  • Read – Cloud Atlas; David Mitchell
  • Watch – The Fountain; Darren Aronofsky
  • Listen – Pull Me Under; Dream Theater

Memories…

”Something lives only as long as the last person who remembers it.”
—Navajo proverb

 

I should be doing all kinds of creative, useful or productive things right now – instead, I am reminiscing about times both good and bad, reflecting on the qualities and uncertainties of the human memory. Our memory is a very fickle, unreliable thing. We can rarely be sure that what we remember is the truth, and who knows how much of our lives have been lost to us because it is unremembered?

Memory is like a muscle – it needs to be exercised and it can be trained and built up. Our capacity for remembering is really quite extraordinary, but most of us only use a fraction of our full potential. Of course, few of us have the need to memorize long poems, strings of numbers, or the order of a deck of cards or ten, but be honest – aren’t there things you wished you could remember better? Sure, there are things we want to forget, but there are techniques for changing bad memories into better ones as well. I think we owe it to our future selves to take better care of our memory – nurse it, work with it, pamper it a bit – and in return, hopefully, it will take care of us and let us remember the best of our short lives.

Rest assured, the best parts  will not always be the good, happy, easy moments of life; the best parts can just as well be dark, painful and sad. Lessons learned, farewells spoken, hearts broken – these can be some of the most valuable moments of our existence. As I sit here and think back on the brightest days and the darkest nights of my life, my only regret is that I do not remember everything as well as I want to. There are things lost to me, and memories that stay just at the very edge of my reach, their details elusive even though I know the broad strokes. I m who I am today thanks to my memory. It’s the thing that builds me and creates me. Without it, what would I be? Still myself in a way, I’m sure – but less. I like who I am and where I am, but I think I shall make an effort to be more; remember more. Live more.

After all, shouldn’t we be living a life worth remembering?

Rememberance

  • Read – The Dice Man; Luke Rhinehart
  • Watch – Californication; Tom Kapinos
  • Listen – Don’t Let Us Get Sick; Warren Zevon

Update

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.”
—Bill Nye

Growth

This week has kept me busy with work and home improvement – the latter largely thanks to my lodger – and so I have not had time to finish my planned posts for this week.

However, I have managed to update the Inspiration section of my page. It is far from complete, but it covers some of my more important sources of inspiration and learning – all of the people, sites and places mentioned have in one way or another contributed to the person I am and the life I lead today.

Since I have limited myself to those inspirations whose pages I can link to there are a lot of artistic influences you will never get to see on there – I plan on covering those eventually in separate posts, or perhaps in another section. Time will tell.

For now, I will leave you to explore the links at your leisure while I return to the various work I need to do.

 

Thyme and Tyde…

“The key question to keep asking is, are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. ”
―Randy Pausch

GrendelCurse

This past week has been busy.

I’ve finished, polished and submitted a new short story – I’m not truly happy with how it turned out, but with a limited time frame for submission and no clear vision of how to change it I had to make a decision: submit as it was, or keep it and rewrite later. It was an easy choice. Since I will never ever be truly happy with anything I do, it was better to send it out and let it try it’s wings now. I can always patch it up later if it crashes (or give it a proper burial, if need be – we will see).

I got a chance to meet one of my favorite writers and other good friends, discussing work and possible collaborations, receiving hints on exciting things to come, sharing stories and just generally catching up. Like always, it was a good day and an inspiring day – I left with a few new seeds germinating in my mind and a signed copy of a new book (perhaps not of the highest literary quality, but one I have been looking forward to regardless to satisfy my inner adventure-seeking child).

Lastly, I have welcomed a dear friend into my home for an as of yet unspecified period of time. Despite sharing a fairly small apartment and having different schedules it has been entirely pleasant. The arrangement has raised a number of eyebrows and furrowed a few brows, but I am confident that this will work quite well. As an added bonus I have received honest, valuable critique on my work and (perhaps paradoxically) more time to write. If nothing else, I’m hoping to come away from this experience with the ability to use my time more efficiently.

This trio of events have all contributed to my next project – telling a story that is very dear to my heart. This short story will likely be the most emotional, cathartic thing I’ve ever written, but I need to get it out. As of today, I have done most of the necessary research and the first group of words have been committed to page. It feels good, but at the same time I’ve been forced to think back on my life and contemplate the man I’ve been and the man I have yet to become.

These thoughts are, of course, not all roses and sunshine: there’s plenty of darkness and thorns in there. Have you ever tried navigating a thicket of thorns in darkness? It’s not entirely pleasant experience, let me tell you. Revisiting some of those moments have made me think about the present and what I can do to better myself. I may have a few regrets about how I have spent my time thus far, but one of the beauties of time is that you can never spend more than you have. Time and tide waits for no man, and so every hour you start on is fresh and unspent; a blank page to be filled.

How are you going to fill the next page you are given?

Distractions and Deadlines and Deals – Oh my!

“It’s up to you to make everyday as perfect as possible. It’s a question of will and discipline.”
—Karl Lagerfeld

SunsetBorder

Deadlines.

Loved, hated, held, broken. By their very nature they are a limit, and in one way or another thus always associated with some form of pressure. For me, they have often been a marker of where my ‘free’ time ends – when a deadline approaches it is time to dig down, dig deep, and finish what I need to do (or, if it’s my own personal deadline, maybe decide that it isn’t that important, and ignore it).

I’m good at distracting myself. There’s always things to do, people to see, sleep to be had. If other people are depending on my work being done at a certain time, my only problem is the limited hours in the final days before the deadline. I get things done, but always wish I would’ve had more time. If the only person affected is me, I can always to it Later™. I’ve tried making deals with myself, but I can always argue my way out of it and talk myself into reaping whatever benefits there are anyway, or ignore whatever punishment I’ve come up with. I’m my own worst motivator.

But today I had something of a revelation about deadlines:

They are everywhere, always – we just do not see them for what they are: The time you have to be at work, be back from your lunch break, when you need to go to bed. Planes, trains and buses with fixed departure times. Travel. Weekends. School. Opening hours.

Life is built up of a multitude of intertwining deadlines, but for most of them we do not see an end, we see a beginning. At each deadline, something new begins or takes over. They are transitions. Opportunities.

I think, from now on, that I shall try to view deadlines not as the last chance to finish something, but as a first chance of beginning something new.

Hopes and Expectations

“Seek from every moment its unique novelty and do not prepare your joys.”
—André Gide

 

Expectation.

It can ruin the best of experiences and enhance the worst. If something does not live up to your expectations, chances are you will be disappointed – even if the end result is something you would have absolutely adored if you weren’t expecting it.

There has been a lot of talk about the final episode of How I Met Your Mother this week and most of it, as far as I have heard, has been negative. To me, this all comes down to expectation.

Now, I know that many people want happy endings in their fiction, and I can respect that – those of you who know me well should be aware that I do not fall into that category, however. We all want stories that make us feel good. For some, that means following the stories of those lucky few who get to live their dreams, conquer hardships, defeat evil, win the love of their favorite person and so on and so forth with a happily ever after. This shows us that it does happen, occasionally (even if only in fiction). For others, it means following the stories of those who struggle against the world and fail, perhaps spectacularly so: those who lose their loved ones, suffer defeat at the hands of their enemies, fight a battle they know they can’t possibly win but go through with it anyway. This shows us that we don’t have it so bad after all, and that people can persevere even in the face of the toughest odds. Even if it kills them. Most people probably want a bit of both, but more of the former. Most people probably expect that the fictional characters will get their rewards at the end – but is this a good thing?

Those of you who do not wish to read spoilers about the resolution of the show should skip the next two paragraphs.

Still with me? Good. In How I Met Your Mother, we never really get the happy ending – none of the characters got their ‘happily ever after’. Even Marshall and Lily, who arguably were the closest to living their dream, were bound to compromise and take turns promoting their respective careers. The ‘Mother’ we have waited nine years to meet gets sick and dies before we can really connect to her, leaving Ted alone with their two children. The wedding we spent an entire season following ends in a quick divorce that completely eliminates all the personal growth Barney has experienced over the years, when he turns into an even worse womanizer than before after losing the woman he loves – until he accidentally becomes a father and casts away his life of chasing women. Robin gets her globetrotting career only at the expense of her marriage, and drifts apart from all of her previous friends, only to end up back in Manhattan alone with five dogs. In the end, an almost reluctant Ted follows the advice of his children and makes a surprise visit to Robin where he holds up the symbol of his efforts to win her love – the blue french horn.

Like the children say, the story was never about Ted and Tracy – it was always about Ted and Robin. However, we get no real reason to believe that they will really work together this time around – we don’t even get a hint about whether they get back together or not. The show ends with just as much uncertainty and hope and vulnerable romantic sentiment as it began. What started out as a lighthearted fun comedy show about trying to find ‘the One’ has over the years been full of dark, thought provoking realities of love and life and death. The show has never given us reason to believe in ‘happily ever after’ – on the contrary it has shown us a long string of intertwining bad relationships. The only promise of ‘happily ever after’ has been the title and the knowledge that Ted would eventually meet ‘the Mother’ – but Ted and his children knew from episode one that she was dead and gone. The hope we were given was a lie all along.

Or was it?

We expected the show to deliver our personal view of what the ending ‘should be’, but instead it gave us something else. It gave us something truly beautiful. It showed us that we can get what we want ; that we can live the dream – for awhile. It showed us that all things have a beginning and an end, and that we should cherish those things while we have them. It showed us to never stop believing in change and love and second chances, even when the odds are against us.

This is the lesson I take away from the show, and from my own life, really: Hope for your dreams to come true and work for them to come true, but do not expect them to. Learn to cherish what you have, while you have it, and accept that everything that has a beginning has an end. Never give up on your dreams, but do not let them blind you to the here and now.

Remember to live your life as it is, while pursuing the life you truly want.

Hope.

  • Read –  The Book Thief; Markus Zusak
  • Watch – Prelude to a Kiss; Norman René
  • Listen – I Believe; Christina Perri