Work

Rebuilding

“Everybody needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside someone else.”
—Richard Siken

Maze

There comes a time in most of our lives when we have to rebuild ourselves.

Regaining stability and finding secure footing after our foundations have been torn apart, flooded and ruined isn’t an easy process.  We spend all our lives patching and building new platforms on top of the old broken ones, but sooner or later everything comes crashing down like a house of cards and we find ourselves half-buried in the rubble. Once free and on the path to healing and recovery we start sifting through the debris for salvageable pieces of us and our lives, realizing that there is no easy fix this time around.

We need to start over.

So we clear the rubble down to the still intact lower levels and try to use only the strongest stones for our new foundations. There might be a place for the smaller, more fragile pieces we have gathered later on, but putting them in now will only undermine everything. Build too fast, use the wrong pieces, or try to patch things together by including the pieces of someone else and it will all just break apart again. Sooner or later.

I’ve been trying to rebuild for a couple of years now.

However, I’ve been so blinded by the task at hand that I’ve used all the wrong materials and ignored the blueprints, only to tear the walls down again when they won’t hold up. And lately I have kept myself so busy with other things that I’ve almost entirely neglected the most important project – myself.

But I’m getting there.

The world around us has a tendency to supply most of the things we need (if not all) if we only keep our eyes and minds open to it and are willing to put in the work. These past few days I’ve come across people, writings and resources which not only inspire me to get back on track, but come with the added bonus of new ideas on how to build myself up.

All too often we incorporate other people and other people’s wishes into the foundations of the life we build for ourselves, instead of first making a strong and durable foundation in the person we are, on our own.

Reblog: Why it’s Important to Finish Your Shit

In lieu of an actual proper post with, you know, original content (because this week has not been kind to me) I will instead link you to a post directly from the insidious beard-tendrils of the terribleminded Chuck “the-bearded-wonder” Wendig, on the topic of ‘finishing your shit’. Mainly because I need to, you know, finish my shit.

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/11/26/why-its-important-to-finish-your-shit/

Life Goes Forward

”I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
—C. G. Jung

Forgive me for not writing for so long, Dear Reader.

Once again, I have had a busy couple of weeks where I’ve gotten less done than I would have wanted. A lot of the time has been spent with various friends, who in their own ways have helped light candles to chase away my inner darkness. I know some of you have been worried, but rest assured that I am on my way up. There have been a lot of things for me to cope with during the past two years, things I am still working my way through. I’m getting there, finally.

But changing one’s life is not always easy.

Every turn, every adjustment, every sacrifice comes at a price. Sometimes we resist the changes even though we know with complete certainty that they are for the better. Tooth and nail, we fight to keep our demons safely locked away inside of us, protecting them against those angels who want to bring light and peace into our lives. Getting rid of the bad things in our lives can be so much more difficult than we expect – so instead, we push away whatever blessings come our way.

Sometimes we cling to the pain and suffering because it is familiar; a well-known part of our identity.

GentlyIntoTheLightIn my case, working through these changes has been a real struggle. And even though my creativity has blossomed during these two years, my creative pursuits have been left suffering. There’s been so many missed opportunities and failed chances that I don’t want to think about it. My list of projects is growing at a rate I can’t keep up with, and I find myself focusing only on that which helps me escape, ignoring what I should be doing unless there is sufficient outside pressure. The heap of work I have ahead of me seems insurmountable, and instead of taking it one piece at a time I stand incapacitated and seemingly unmoving before it.

Yet when I look back I’m surprised at how far I have come.

There’s a long way for me to go still, both personally and creatively – a lot of work I need to get through – and new challenges appear before me daily it seems. But I’m getting there. I’m working through it.

Life goes forward even when we think we’re standing still.

 

The End of Summer

”If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”
—Russian Proverb

Summer

Summer is drawing to a close.

The past three months have been something of a roller coaster ride for me, Dear Reader. At the start of summer I had one of my dearest friends living with me, playing havoc with my previous lazy lack of routine and minding my own, giving me time and structure enough to become more active here on my blog and other social media. I took the opportunity to finish some short stories, create some art, humbly almost-not-promoting myself and my online presence. Despite injury, battling inner demons and failing to maintain the routine my lodger so graciously bestowed upon me, I have managed to go from two blog posts a week to a loosely upheld goal of five.

During the past month alone my readers here have doubled, my followers on twitter tripled, and I’ve made new friends, acquaintances and contacts. My list of projects and assignments have grown and I’m sending out work for consideration on a more frequent basis. I now have something resembling a viable plan – perhaps a tad too ambitious since there’s at least one goal I fail to uphold each week, but it is better to aim higher than we can reach. How else will we grow tall enough to get where we want to be?

But, Dear Reader, I must apologize: I only managed to hold on to my promised weekly routine for exactly…one week. There will be no sketch of the week this week. The truth is I have spent very little time at home, focusing on friends and social activities instead of creative work. It was sorely needed after my previous week of near-isolation. Consequently, I do not have much more to say right now, but I hope to be more entertaining next week!

Lastly, a heartfelt welcome to my new readers – and of course a big thank you to those who return week after week to follow my aimless ramblings with the hope of seeing something worthwhile…

Distractions and Deadlines and Deals – Oh my!

“It’s up to you to make everyday as perfect as possible. It’s a question of will and discipline.”
—Karl Lagerfeld

SunsetBorder

Deadlines.

Loved, hated, held, broken. By their very nature they are a limit, and in one way or another thus always associated with some form of pressure. For me, they have often been a marker of where my ‘free’ time ends – when a deadline approaches it is time to dig down, dig deep, and finish what I need to do (or, if it’s my own personal deadline, maybe decide that it isn’t that important, and ignore it).

I’m good at distracting myself. There’s always things to do, people to see, sleep to be had. If other people are depending on my work being done at a certain time, my only problem is the limited hours in the final days before the deadline. I get things done, but always wish I would’ve had more time. If the only person affected is me, I can always to it Later™. I’ve tried making deals with myself, but I can always argue my way out of it and talk myself into reaping whatever benefits there are anyway, or ignore whatever punishment I’ve come up with. I’m my own worst motivator.

But today I had something of a revelation about deadlines:

They are everywhere, always – we just do not see them for what they are: The time you have to be at work, be back from your lunch break, when you need to go to bed. Planes, trains and buses with fixed departure times. Travel. Weekends. School. Opening hours.

Life is built up of a multitude of intertwining deadlines, but for most of them we do not see an end, we see a beginning. At each deadline, something new begins or takes over. They are transitions. Opportunities.

I think, from now on, that I shall try to view deadlines not as the last chance to finish something, but as a first chance of beginning something new.

Just another step…

“You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else.”
―Jamie Tworkowski

Time to get this show off the road, don’t you think?

If I have anything to say about it, this will be the first of a series of regular posts on this site. I’ve been meaning to build this place as my ‘Face to the World’ for some time now, but have only ever managed a small sporadic effort. The time has come for that to change.

This is where I will showcase my art; build a portfolio of sorts – where I’ll publish story projects, talk about what I’m working on and where I am headed, ramble about life and art and nspirations, and whatever else strikes my fancy. Like most of my online presence, I will keep this page mainly in English (my apologies to those of you who may have difficulty with the language), BUT I will occasionally put things on here that are in Swedish. It is my native language and I do write a fair amount in Swedish as well (again, my apologies to those of you who may have difficulty with the language).

This isn’t really a new beginning, it’s just another step along the way. I’ve been headed down this road for a lot longer than I have to show for it – all of my life, really. About two years ago I made the decision to stop mucking about and get some direction in my life; start focusing my creative energies into something useful. Then life happened, and for the past two years I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together in new and exciting (and hopefully useful) ways. It hasn’t always been easy; it hasn’t always worked the way I had hoped; it’s been rough on some of the people around me. For all that I have lost these past few years, I have still gained a lot: friends, inspiration, insights – a whole new life, in a way. It’s high time I rolled up my sleeves and really got to work on making it the best life I can.

So with that I welcome you to this site, to this journal, to this window into my soul – and through it share in the next step on my life’s journey. Like the quote up top here says, I’ve needed coffee shops and sunsets and road trips; I’ve needed airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs – but people, more than anything else.

I still do.

Chimaerallogograd

  • Read – Desolation Angels;  Jack Kerouac
  • Watch – About Time;  Richard Curtis
  • Listen – I’m Still Here;  Mindy McCready

 

A New Life

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
―Anaïs Nin

So, here goes nothing…

From now on, my day job is only part-time. With a bit of luck and a whole lot of effort, this means that I should be able to focus more on my writing, as well as other creative works. Though knowing myself, and knowing what I have to deal with besides work and creating, it will probably be awhile before I get any semblance of routine into my life.

It’s a leap of faith and there’s nothing in sight below this edge but jagged rocks and churning water, but I’m airborne now. I should be able to grow wings or build a hang glider or something before I’m crushed against the rocks, right?

Right?