Life

We are Legion

“If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.”
―Adm. William H McRaven

history

Dear Reader – have you ever considered the impossible entity that is us?

The complex web of human interaction stretching across this globe in order to make the modern world go ’round? How every day, millions upon millions of humans are working toward one single goal; for one single purpose? From the ranch hand in Kansas to the miner in China to the broker in Tokyo – every one, connected.

We are interdependent yet truly replaceable cells in the neural network that makes up mankind.

We all have a purpose and a role to play – every uttered word, every shaken hand, every loving touch is a signal in the network, holding us together as one.

Now, imagine every person as a glowing point on the globe.

Imagine every interaction between those people as a lingering thread of light connecting them. Imagine the incomprehensible series of such threads – events and interactions – that created the device you read this on, the surface you sit on, the clothes on your back, you. How many lives have worked in concert to create everything within arm’s reach; to bring it you, here, now? Thousands? Millions?

Through your mere existence here and now you are connected to all of them, Dear Reader.

Some of those threads have gone unbroken through centuries, bringing you the music of Bach and the ideas of Aristotle. Others have been twisted and turned and spliced together over the years to create new things out of old ideas.

Take a moment now and visualize that web.

It spans not only the globe but the years: a living, moving, pulsating oneness connecting every living human being, now as well as then. And into the future. Ideas travel along the web, taking shape and multiplying, and bit by bit they are realized and created. A computer wouldn’t exist without the technicians, designers and manufacturers who create it; wouldn’t be created without the prospectors, miners, and refiners who gather and create the materials – and if not for the entrepreneurs, investors and businessmen who run the companies there would be no one to pay for it all. Then there’s the transporters, advertisers, sales people, and so on and so forth.

No single person in the web is more important than any other, really.

If one falls, another will take it’s place – or the chain will be broken – and every link on the chain is in turn supported by other people. Family, friends, co-workers, doctors, teachers, role models – they all connect to make us who we are and place us in our unique spot in the network.

We are Legion, for we are Many.

We all rest on the sum of all history and we all support the creation of the future. We all have power to connect, inspire, create, influence, instigate and change people around us – even if the effect is ever so small to begin with, it can end up determining the fate of the world. We can never know in advance what our tiny action today will lead to in the long run: a kind word, a helping hand, an inspiring art work, a comforting touch – that single action might start or re-start a chain of events that changes a life, and by extension the world. Every single thing we do or contribute to carries with it the weight of all that has led up to this moment. Every thing we do, every minute interaction with another, counts.

Think about the implications; the possibilities.

From the Ashes…

“Nothing in life is worth turning your back on, if you love it.”
—Albert Camus

I am back, Dear Reader – or so I hope, at least.

Things are settling down and the determination and creativity is creeping back into my skull, demanding attention. I haven’t created anything worth while for a long time now, but ideas are forming and inspiration is rising in my soul again. All that remains now is the discipline and hard work. Not an easy task, for me, but I need to create or else I go insane and self destructive.

So, here I am, returning to the blog and to the creation of my online platform.

I’m going to start light and try to get into a routine again, so bear with me if things go slow. The important thing is that I am here again, I hope.

See you next week!

Fear and Self-loathing

“Pay close attention to the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness.”
—Byron Katie

Maze

Have you ever let your fear eat away at what you want most in life? I have.

This past week has left me in shambles, Dear Reader. Fear and self doubt that I was barely even aware of took up position in my life and started eating away at whatever I put within their reach. Instead of taking a step back, looking at what was going on and communicating in the right way, I retreated into myself and without knowing it I was guided by the beasts who reside in me

I suffer occasionally from anxiety-attacks brought on by situations that remind me of past hurts. Before I have a chance to evaluate the situation, my brain conjures up the negative emotions from the past and throws me head first into a fight-or-flight reaction. Often, it is weak enough that I can contain it outwardly, but not before a bit of damage is done. This time, I wasn’t nearly so lucky. This time, I went full-on into panic and lost touch with reality.

The result wasn’t pretty.

Now I’m dealing with the aftermath, and the damage that was done to my best and dearest friend. All I can do now is hope that the damage isn’t irreparable. I still have hope that things will turn out well, because I am determined to work for it, but that hope is clutched tightly in the jaws of my fear.

Fear is a hungry beast. It will consume us in a heartbeat if we let it.

And we can’t let it do that.

Fear only has power over us if we let it. It has no basis in the present and at best it is only an educated guess at something that might happen. We need to recognize that and take away the power it has over us. Instead of worrying we should do something constructive – face our fear, recognize it, put a muzzle on it and let it work for us instead of against us. We fear something because it can negatively affect that which is important to us, so instead of focusing on the fear itself maybe we should focus on whatever stands in front of it. Fear points us to the valuable things in our life and gives us the opportunity to invest in them.

Now I will focus on that which means the most to me. I won’t let fear rule me any more – will you?

I just pray that it isn’t too late…

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Impotent inspiration

“I’m tired, can’t think of anything and want only to lay my face in your lap, feel your hand on my head and remain like that through all eternity.”
-Franz Kafka

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That quote, Dear Reader, sums up my current state perfectly.

But I should be so lucky. As I’m writing this I sit beneath my favorite tree, trying to force some shred of inspiration to flow from my fingers.

But I can’t.

Kafka also said that a non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. I can only agree. The blocked up creativity is building a crescendo of screaming ideas and voices in my mind and it is wearing me down.

Every time I feel an idea start to take shape, a new one springs forth.

I make notes of them and try to flesh them out, save them for later and sort them through, hoping I will lay them to rest so I can focus on only a few. But they just keep building up, blocking me.

Even while I sleep.

The past week alone I’ve had four ideas come to me in my dreams. In one of them I actually dreamt that I dreamt a story idea, how about that?

I’ll keep trying, though.

But, now my fingers are getting cold, my spirits are getting low and my stomach is growling.

I’ve had better days…

From the Ashes

“There is no life without love. None worth having, anyway.”
–Hank Moody
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Dear Reader, I have been neglecting you.

It was my intention to work through my back log and resume a regular posting schedule, but – as seems to be the ever-present case for me – life has happened. Again.

This time, though, it is a good thing.

Suffice to say, I’ve grown much closer to someone already dear to me and everything else has had to be put on hold, temporarily. This is one of the most important changes I’ve seen for awhile, and though it has created a burst of inspiration for me, time and tide wait for no man.

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With new priorities come new routines.

I’m just at the beginning of restructuring my daily life now – things will likely be chaotic for as while – but I am confident things will change for the better.

An entirely new volume of my story has just begun – the past year of blogging has seen the prologue of that.

Read – Jane Eyre; Charlotte Brontë
Watch – The Human Stain; Robert Benton
Listen – From the Ashes; Martina McBride

Apologies…

I know I said I would catch up and do better. I had every intention to. Then life happened.

This week has been the craziest, most tumultuous I’ve had in a very long time, and everything else has had to take the backseat for awhile.

As a consequence I’m also done setting official goals for myself. They invariably fail, and thus I’ve decided to only stick to existing deadlines and my own conscience.

I hope you can forgive me, Dear Reader.

Catching up…

Hello, Dear Reader.
It’s been awhile. Not only have I been neglecting this, my weekly rambling, I’ve been neglecting the goals I have set for myself as well.
I’m behind by about two weeks, so I think it’s high time to start catching up.
But I haven’t been resting completely on my laurels!
I’m writing again (albeit sporadically) and I’ve been working on some art that will actually bring me money – imagine that!
Still, things are piling up faster than I’m digging through them.
My goal for this week will therefore be to keep my current deadline, manage at least the minimum three blog posts, and make a schedule for myself that I can be held to.
With a bit of effort, I hope to be back on track in a fortnight.

So, you’re offended…

…why should anyone care?

Don’t get me wrong, Dear Reader – there are plenty of things to legitimately get offended over; things like blatant racism and sexism, bullying and severe personal attacks. These day, though, people seem to be offended by the smallest things:

A picture on facebook, someone criticizing your views, a stranger being an idiot online – why be offended?

The next time you feel offended and get upset, stop for a second and ask yourself a few questions – and if the answer to any of these are ‘no’, aim your energy at yourself instead of lashing out:

– Do I really need to take this personally?
If it wasn’t aimed at you, maybe there’s no need to feel attacked at all. Take a look at yourself and examine why you feel the way you do about it.
– Will speaking out against this make me feel better, regardless of how others react?
If you expect strangers to feel empathy, say sorry, or listen to your views you will most likely be disappointed and end up feeling even worse. Chances are you will do yourself a disservice by venting in public, and would do better to talk about it with an understanding friend instead.
– Does this person’s opinion really matter to me?
If the offendee is a friend or relative that’s one thing, but if it’s Joe Average or Jane Strange I suggest you think twice about if their views of you or the issue at hand truly matters.
– Am I willing to listen to their reasons and opinions, honestly and with an open mind?
If you just want to yell or lecture or tell them off, expecting them to just listen and take it, maybe you shouldn’t. You can’t expect people to consider your side of things if you won’t consider theirs. You can’t change anyone unless they let you – which they won’t unless they already respect you and value your opinion.

If someone is obviously attacking you and trying to offend or belittle or oppress you, think carefully about your reaction.

If possible, laugh it off and rise above them. If you get hurt or angry, half the battle is lost, but if you can calm yourself and reply with wit, reason or facts, half the battle is won. Often though, it is preferable to just ignore them and avoid the battle altogether. Don’t waste your energy fighting battles you can’t win.

No one can offend you unless you give them that power. So don’t.

Scent from the Past

“Don’t be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.”
– Richard Bach

Sun

It’s remarkable how intimately our sense of smell is linked to our memories.

The other morning on the bus into town I sat engaged at reading, silently enjoying that pale golden shade of sun you only see in early spring or late autumn, when a young woman sat down next to me. As the scent of her perfume filled my nostrils, my mind filled with memories.

Sixteen years ago almost to the day, the sun coming through her windows had the exact same silvery-golden quality and my nose was filled with that exact same scent. It was the first night we had spent together and I had not yet fallen in love. As I lay there drowsily admiring her sleeping form, trying to decide if I should hold on to the moment or if I should wake her with a kiss and a hope of repeating the events of the night before, her eyes fluttered open and she smiled. We kissed. It was every bit as full of sparks as our first kiss had been, some seven hours earlier.

A few weeks later she told me that she loved me. I watched her sitting by the window in the light of the spring sun, eating muesli mashed together with banana. I felt proud and guilty at the same time, wondering if I could ever feel the same way about her. Later on, we kissed in public for the first time – a big step for a woman not overly fond of public displays of affection.

A few months more and we had slept together for the last time – though neither of us really knew it at the time. I was in love, but knew we had an expiration date. Ours was an entanglement of poetry, flowers, art and breaking rules. It was not meant to last. Having never really been together, we never really had to break up. There was no last goodbye – not even when she moved away, not even when we spoke a few years later, and all the memories I have of her are happy.

The first time I smelled her scent on another was on a crowded city street. All of a sudden my body was alight with passion and I was back in her sun-lit bed, her body pressed so close to mine it almost hurt. I’m back there every time it reaches me, her scent from the past.

I cannot for the life of me recall what scent it is and I’m afraid to ask. I fear the magic will be ruined if I know.