Life

Happy New Year

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”
―Theodore Roosevelt

ClockSketchHappy last day of the year, Dear Reader! 2014 was a pretty good year for me.

Artistically, I have branched out, improved, and taken a few steps further toward something resembling an actual career. I haven’t been as productive as I would have liked because I kept myself busier with personal issues than I had expected, but we all struggle to manage the limited time we have each day.

Professionally, both my writing and my visual art has been well received, though it has not yet led to many paying gigs. I have made new contact, though, and my followers on her and twitter have grown from zero to over a thousand. As I ease toward 2015 I feel I have a stable platform to stand on and that I am on my way in the right direction, at least.

Personally, I’ve made a number of new acquaintances, a few new valuable friendships, and I have grown incredible close to an already very valuable friend – a friend who has been invaluable for my personal growth this year. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, dealing with life and personal issues, and I’ve slowly begun sculpting myself into a new and improved me. 2014 has also been the first year of this millenium that I’ve been completely single – something that has been good for me, I think.

Not everything has been all sunshine and roses, of course. It never is.

The year has seen me struggling with my sense of self worth, my self confidence, and my self image – there’s been a lot to deal with on many levels and many of my friends have suffered this year. It has been no small feat to avoid slipping into my old behaviours and patterns, but for the most part I’ve done well.

All in all, though, I can’t really complain.

The good outweighs the bad by a fair measure, which is pretty darn amazing when you think about the state of this world.

I’ll leave you with a little insignificance I penned recently, after an idea I had years ago: In Passing

Happy New Year, Dear Reader – thank you immensely for this year, and I hope to see you in 2015!

Happiness and Holidays

“One woman can make you fly like an eagle, another can give you the strength of a lion, but only one in the cycle of life can fill your heart with wonder and the wisdom that you have known a singular joy.”
―Deputy Hawk

circle

“If I didn’t love you so much I’d probably let myself fall in love with you.”

Those words were told to me by one of my closest friends earlier this week, and it is just about the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. It made me genuinely happy, because I feel the exact same way about her – she’s amazing, and I feel very lucky to have her in my life.

My week has been filled with small joys – little surprises and blessings among the every day grime and grind – and as of writing this I feel more content and at ease than I have in a long time. I do not normally care much for the holiday season – I don’t celebrate much at all and last year I did absolutely nothing over christmas beyond the traditional family dinner and a visit with my aforementioned friend at her work place. This year, however, I have no less than seven outings planned in as many days. It feels a bit daunting, but at least I’m off from my day job until well after new years’.

My apologies, Dear Reader, for neglecting the blog during this week – truth be told I have had the time and I’ve sat several times attempting to write, unsuccessfully. This time of year I always exist in a sort of limbo, you see, caught as I am between the end of my birth year and the start of the next calendar year. For me, December is a month of contemplation and transition. I put my life on hold, in a way – waiting for the holidays and the solstice to pass.

It slows me down.

In honour of the season, my recommendations for this week are all connected to friends or relatives of mine:

 

Rebuilding

“Everybody needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside someone else.”
—Richard Siken

Maze

There comes a time in most of our lives when we have to rebuild ourselves.

Regaining stability and finding secure footing after our foundations have been torn apart, flooded and ruined isn’t an easy process.  We spend all our lives patching and building new platforms on top of the old broken ones, but sooner or later everything comes crashing down like a house of cards and we find ourselves half-buried in the rubble. Once free and on the path to healing and recovery we start sifting through the debris for salvageable pieces of us and our lives, realizing that there is no easy fix this time around.

We need to start over.

So we clear the rubble down to the still intact lower levels and try to use only the strongest stones for our new foundations. There might be a place for the smaller, more fragile pieces we have gathered later on, but putting them in now will only undermine everything. Build too fast, use the wrong pieces, or try to patch things together by including the pieces of someone else and it will all just break apart again. Sooner or later.

I’ve been trying to rebuild for a couple of years now.

However, I’ve been so blinded by the task at hand that I’ve used all the wrong materials and ignored the blueprints, only to tear the walls down again when they won’t hold up. And lately I have kept myself so busy with other things that I’ve almost entirely neglected the most important project – myself.

But I’m getting there.

The world around us has a tendency to supply most of the things we need (if not all) if we only keep our eyes and minds open to it and are willing to put in the work. These past few days I’ve come across people, writings and resources which not only inspire me to get back on track, but come with the added bonus of new ideas on how to build myself up.

All too often we incorporate other people and other people’s wishes into the foundations of the life we build for ourselves, instead of first making a strong and durable foundation in the person we are, on our own.

Happy Birthday

Thirty nine years ago, a boy and a girl were born half a world apart – today, only one of them gets to celebrate.

The boy – me – I’m still here.

The girl – Mindy McCready – lived to be 37.
I cannot really begin to describe what she came to mean to me over the years, so I won’t even try. ‘Quite a lot’ doesn’t really cut it, but it will have to suffice. I only really got to know her a bit and sadly we never had the chance to meet, but even so the loss of her hit me hard.

So, Dear Reader, I celebrate this day in her memory.

Happy Birthday…

Mindy McCready

To say that Mindy led a stormy, troubled life is a bit of an understatement. She moved to Nashville at the age of 18, having promised her mother that if she didn’t make it within a year she would go to college. Exactly 51 weeks later she signed her first record deal. Her debut album Ten Thousand Angels came out in 1996 and went gold in six months, and as the video of the title song reached CMT Europe she appeared on my radar. Over the next few years she released two more albums, but dwindling sales led to Mindy being dropped by her label. It took three years for her to sign with a new company and release her fourth album, Mindy McCready, again to poor sales. Once again she found herself without a label.

Her life took a sharp turn for the worse, and she didn’t release any new material for six years. The song I’m Still Here was released as a download on Mindy’s official website, signaling a return to strength and the upcoming album of the same title. It would be her last.

Her career was back on track, the album sold well, and her life seemed to be turning around for the better again. She was busy being a mother and working on a new record with her boyfriend David Wilson. But on January 13th 2013 Mindy found her soul mate on the porch of their Arkansas home, dying from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Five weeks to the day after his death, she followed him.

– Listen –
I’ll See You Yesterday; Mindy McCready

( photo by unknown )

Life Goes Forward

”I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
—C. G. Jung

Forgive me for not writing for so long, Dear Reader.

Once again, I have had a busy couple of weeks where I’ve gotten less done than I would have wanted. A lot of the time has been spent with various friends, who in their own ways have helped light candles to chase away my inner darkness. I know some of you have been worried, but rest assured that I am on my way up. There have been a lot of things for me to cope with during the past two years, things I am still working my way through. I’m getting there, finally.

But changing one’s life is not always easy.

Every turn, every adjustment, every sacrifice comes at a price. Sometimes we resist the changes even though we know with complete certainty that they are for the better. Tooth and nail, we fight to keep our demons safely locked away inside of us, protecting them against those angels who want to bring light and peace into our lives. Getting rid of the bad things in our lives can be so much more difficult than we expect – so instead, we push away whatever blessings come our way.

Sometimes we cling to the pain and suffering because it is familiar; a well-known part of our identity.

GentlyIntoTheLightIn my case, working through these changes has been a real struggle. And even though my creativity has blossomed during these two years, my creative pursuits have been left suffering. There’s been so many missed opportunities and failed chances that I don’t want to think about it. My list of projects is growing at a rate I can’t keep up with, and I find myself focusing only on that which helps me escape, ignoring what I should be doing unless there is sufficient outside pressure. The heap of work I have ahead of me seems insurmountable, and instead of taking it one piece at a time I stand incapacitated and seemingly unmoving before it.

Yet when I look back I’m surprised at how far I have come.

There’s a long way for me to go still, both personally and creatively – a lot of work I need to get through – and new challenges appear before me daily it seems. But I’m getting there. I’m working through it.

Life goes forward even when we think we’re standing still.

 

Darkness and Doubt

”Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”
—C.G. Jung

Darkness, self-doubt, self-loathing.

It’s been a rough week as far as that goes, and I’ve been feeling old and useless, unwanted and incompetent – despite a fair amount of evidence to the contrary. Rarely has my social life been as rich, rarely have I seen more appreciation for my art, rarely have I felt this loved. Yet my self-doubt and self-loathing are as strong as they’ve ever been.

A few days ago, while describing my current darkness to a friend, I started saying that I felt alone and unwanted, then stopped myself. Over the weekend I had gone to three social gatherings and met up with four friends in addition, having to turn down several invitations. I met several old friends and many new acquaintances and had a pretty good time – not spending more than about three hours by myself between Thursday evening and Sunday night – and yet I labelled myself as having been ‘alone’ and ‘unappreciated’.

It just goes to show that mental happiness isn’t really very connected to outer factors. Inside one’s own head, the demons can roam free and make even the greatest accomplishments insignificant – or even turn them against you.

I’m lucky to have friends I can really talk to – people who are there for me whenever I need them to. In fact, much more than I need them to, because I seldom ask. Some of them have battled depression and self-loathed themselves, and now all too well what it’s about. Compared to some of the people I know and confide in, my troubles pale into nothing.

That doesn’t matter, though.

When the black dog comes pawing through one’s mind, no rational comparison helps.

Logically, I know I’m quite fortunate – I’m loved, wanted and appreciated. Emotionally, that’s not how I feel though. I’ll get through it – I always do. My success rate at getting through the bad days is 100% – and that’s pretty damn good. I’ll get through the next few ones as well, one step at a time.

So, to those of you out there struggling with similar feelings  I have just one thing to say:

Talk to someone. Try to find someone who understands, and remember: you’ve gotten through everything life has thrown at you so far.

You can get through this!

Dog

  • Read – The Bell Jar; Sylvia Plath
  • Watch – The Fisher King; Terry Gilliam
  • Listen – Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon; Flogging Molly

Need and Fear

“And you became like the coffee, in the deliciousness, and the bitterness and the addiction.”
―Mahmoud Darwish

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Some people change your entire world for the better.

The other day I was at a mate’s gig, and for his closing song he chose one written for a close friend of his. He told the audience this, pointing her out, and seeing the smile on her face warmed my heart and reminded me of the special people in my own life. The song was absolutely beautiful and I got the chance to talk the woman in question for a bit after, while she was still beaming with pride, embarrassment and joy. Their bond had never been more obvious.

Do you have a person like that in your life, Dear Reader? Someone who inspires you and elevates you, making your everyday just a little bit brighter? The kind of person who not only says and does the right things, but who inspires you to do and say the right things in return – a friend or lover or both whose mere presence in your life makes you a better, happier person. Someone you would trust with anything and everything. I hope you do.

I have been blessed with knowing many great people over the years. People who have irrevocably changed me and improved me – sometimes smoothly and other times only through great pain. For me, there’s one such person in particular. Someone who has shone a light into every dark corner of my soul, bringing to light things I thought I had long buried.

I’ve always been something of a loner. Keeping to myself, hovering on the fringe of every social circle I’ve belonged to, never really letting anyone in completely. There are many reasons for that – reasons better left for another time. The point is that I’ve always made sure to stay independent, to never rely on any one person for my needs, to stay protected. Even in love. No single person in my life has ever had the complete puzzle of me. Whenever I’ve been hurt or injured or sad, other people have been a bother that I’ve retreated from. At my darkest and most vulnerable, I’ve always wanted to be completely alone. Always.

Until now.

Now, I’ve found myself wanting to be with her when I feel down. No matter what my state of mind, she always makes life easier and brighter – sometimes actively, with words or gestures or actions; sometimes just by being there and inspiring a better mood in me. For the first time ever, I find myself not merely  wanting another person in my life, but actually needing that person.

And that, Dear Reader, scares the shit out of me…

  • Read – The Silence of the Lambs; Thomas Harris
  • Watch – Casablanca; Michael Curtiz
  • Listen – When You Are Old; Martina McBride