Recommendation

Happy Birthday

Thirty nine years ago, a boy and a girl were born half a world apart – today, only one of them gets to celebrate.

The boy – me – I’m still here.

The girl – Mindy McCready – lived to be 37.
I cannot really begin to describe what she came to mean to me over the years, so I won’t even try. ‘Quite a lot’ doesn’t really cut it, but it will have to suffice. I only really got to know her a bit and sadly we never had the chance to meet, but even so the loss of her hit me hard.

So, Dear Reader, I celebrate this day in her memory.

Happy Birthday…

Mindy McCready

To say that Mindy led a stormy, troubled life is a bit of an understatement. She moved to Nashville at the age of 18, having promised her mother that if she didn’t make it within a year she would go to college. Exactly 51 weeks later she signed her first record deal. Her debut album Ten Thousand Angels came out in 1996 and went gold in six months, and as the video of the title song reached CMT Europe she appeared on my radar. Over the next few years she released two more albums, but dwindling sales led to Mindy being dropped by her label. It took three years for her to sign with a new company and release her fourth album, Mindy McCready, again to poor sales. Once again she found herself without a label.

Her life took a sharp turn for the worse, and she didn’t release any new material for six years. The song I’m Still Here was released as a download on Mindy’s official website, signaling a return to strength and the upcoming album of the same title. It would be her last.

Her career was back on track, the album sold well, and her life seemed to be turning around for the better again. She was busy being a mother and working on a new record with her boyfriend David Wilson. But on January 13th 2013 Mindy found her soul mate on the porch of their Arkansas home, dying from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Five weeks to the day after his death, she followed him.

– Listen –
I’ll See You Yesterday; Mindy McCready

( photo by unknown )

Life Goes Forward

”I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
—C. G. Jung

Forgive me for not writing for so long, Dear Reader.

Once again, I have had a busy couple of weeks where I’ve gotten less done than I would have wanted. A lot of the time has been spent with various friends, who in their own ways have helped light candles to chase away my inner darkness. I know some of you have been worried, but rest assured that I am on my way up. There have been a lot of things for me to cope with during the past two years, things I am still working my way through. I’m getting there, finally.

But changing one’s life is not always easy.

Every turn, every adjustment, every sacrifice comes at a price. Sometimes we resist the changes even though we know with complete certainty that they are for the better. Tooth and nail, we fight to keep our demons safely locked away inside of us, protecting them against those angels who want to bring light and peace into our lives. Getting rid of the bad things in our lives can be so much more difficult than we expect – so instead, we push away whatever blessings come our way.

Sometimes we cling to the pain and suffering because it is familiar; a well-known part of our identity.

GentlyIntoTheLightIn my case, working through these changes has been a real struggle. And even though my creativity has blossomed during these two years, my creative pursuits have been left suffering. There’s been so many missed opportunities and failed chances that I don’t want to think about it. My list of projects is growing at a rate I can’t keep up with, and I find myself focusing only on that which helps me escape, ignoring what I should be doing unless there is sufficient outside pressure. The heap of work I have ahead of me seems insurmountable, and instead of taking it one piece at a time I stand incapacitated and seemingly unmoving before it.

Yet when I look back I’m surprised at how far I have come.

There’s a long way for me to go still, both personally and creatively – a lot of work I need to get through – and new challenges appear before me daily it seems. But I’m getting there. I’m working through it.

Life goes forward even when we think we’re standing still.

 

Darkness and Doubt

”Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”
—C.G. Jung

Darkness, self-doubt, self-loathing.

It’s been a rough week as far as that goes, and I’ve been feeling old and useless, unwanted and incompetent – despite a fair amount of evidence to the contrary. Rarely has my social life been as rich, rarely have I seen more appreciation for my art, rarely have I felt this loved. Yet my self-doubt and self-loathing are as strong as they’ve ever been.

A few days ago, while describing my current darkness to a friend, I started saying that I felt alone and unwanted, then stopped myself. Over the weekend I had gone to three social gatherings and met up with four friends in addition, having to turn down several invitations. I met several old friends and many new acquaintances and had a pretty good time – not spending more than about three hours by myself between Thursday evening and Sunday night – and yet I labelled myself as having been ‘alone’ and ‘unappreciated’.

It just goes to show that mental happiness isn’t really very connected to outer factors. Inside one’s own head, the demons can roam free and make even the greatest accomplishments insignificant – or even turn them against you.

I’m lucky to have friends I can really talk to – people who are there for me whenever I need them to. In fact, much more than I need them to, because I seldom ask. Some of them have battled depression and self-loathed themselves, and now all too well what it’s about. Compared to some of the people I know and confide in, my troubles pale into nothing.

That doesn’t matter, though.

When the black dog comes pawing through one’s mind, no rational comparison helps.

Logically, I know I’m quite fortunate – I’m loved, wanted and appreciated. Emotionally, that’s not how I feel though. I’ll get through it – I always do. My success rate at getting through the bad days is 100% – and that’s pretty damn good. I’ll get through the next few ones as well, one step at a time.

So, to those of you out there struggling with similar feelings  I have just one thing to say:

Talk to someone. Try to find someone who understands, and remember: you’ve gotten through everything life has thrown at you so far.

You can get through this!

Dog

  • Read – The Bell Jar; Sylvia Plath
  • Watch – The Fisher King; Terry Gilliam
  • Listen – Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon; Flogging Molly

Portrait: Veronica Ballestrini

This month’s portrait is unusual – instead of drawing and writing about someone who have had a big effect on my life and art I have chosen someone who just recently appeared in my life. The portrait was made with soft sketching crayons and is the first ‘two toned’ portrait I’ve attempted – as such, it was a bit difficult to get the detail I would have wanted, but I’m still pleased with the end result.

There are several reasons why I chose Veronica Ballestrini for today’s portrait: First of all, because she is such a talented singer and song writer – second, because the story of her career is inspiring – last, but definitely not least, because today is her 23rd birthday!

So, Happy Birthday Veronica!

VeronicaBallestriniVeronica’s career started with cover song on MySpace when she was thirteen, and two years later she won 1st place at the USA World Showcase in Las Vegas. Eight years ago today, on her fifteenth birthday, her parents surprised her with a trip to Nashville to pursue her dream. In 2009 she published her first album, What I’m All About. Since then she has continued to work on her music, touring and writing songs, and earlier this year she released her second album, Flipside.

Her name appeared briefly on my radar years ago, but it wasn’t until she started following me on twitter that I got my eyes and ears on her music. Since then I have returned to her songs over and over, and several of them have taken place among my absolute favorites. I’m not going to add more praise than that – if you haven’t heard her music I suggest you go and have a listen.

Oh, and Veronica? You still owe me that Skype-call 😉

You can find Veronica on Twitter, Facebook, and here on WordPress

Need and Fear

“And you became like the coffee, in the deliciousness, and the bitterness and the addiction.”
―Mahmoud Darwish

circle

Some people change your entire world for the better.

The other day I was at a mate’s gig, and for his closing song he chose one written for a close friend of his. He told the audience this, pointing her out, and seeing the smile on her face warmed my heart and reminded me of the special people in my own life. The song was absolutely beautiful and I got the chance to talk the woman in question for a bit after, while she was still beaming with pride, embarrassment and joy. Their bond had never been more obvious.

Do you have a person like that in your life, Dear Reader? Someone who inspires you and elevates you, making your everyday just a little bit brighter? The kind of person who not only says and does the right things, but who inspires you to do and say the right things in return – a friend or lover or both whose mere presence in your life makes you a better, happier person. Someone you would trust with anything and everything. I hope you do.

I have been blessed with knowing many great people over the years. People who have irrevocably changed me and improved me – sometimes smoothly and other times only through great pain. For me, there’s one such person in particular. Someone who has shone a light into every dark corner of my soul, bringing to light things I thought I had long buried.

I’ve always been something of a loner. Keeping to myself, hovering on the fringe of every social circle I’ve belonged to, never really letting anyone in completely. There are many reasons for that – reasons better left for another time. The point is that I’ve always made sure to stay independent, to never rely on any one person for my needs, to stay protected. Even in love. No single person in my life has ever had the complete puzzle of me. Whenever I’ve been hurt or injured or sad, other people have been a bother that I’ve retreated from. At my darkest and most vulnerable, I’ve always wanted to be completely alone. Always.

Until now.

Now, I’ve found myself wanting to be with her when I feel down. No matter what my state of mind, she always makes life easier and brighter – sometimes actively, with words or gestures or actions; sometimes just by being there and inspiring a better mood in me. For the first time ever, I find myself not merely  wanting another person in my life, but actually needing that person.

And that, Dear Reader, scares the shit out of me…

  • Read – The Silence of the Lambs; Thomas Harris
  • Watch – Casablanca; Michael Curtiz
  • Listen – When You Are Old; Martina McBride

Stretched thin…

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.”
—Irish Proverb

 EHBeginning

It’s way too late to sit here, writing my blog – but if I don’t do it now I will miss another week. So here goes…

The past week and a half – two weeks really – have been full of everything but what I should have been doing. I have several things on my To Do-list that are way overdue (that’s the problem with projects that have no deadlines, they are easy to postpone in favor of more pressing things), but need and circumstance have left me uncreative. What I have been doing is spend time with friends and family, rushing from one to the other on my spare time and catching up with far away friends through the phone and computer.

Also, I have been completely exhausted. I don’t know why, really – maybe it’s cutting back on the coffee, maybe it’s returning to my work out schedule, maybe both. Maybe it’s something else. Fact remains, I’m feeling more tired, more often. It’s been great, though – sort of a mini-vacation from parts of my life – just hanging out, laughing and then sleeping – which is why I there was a hiatus here last week. The other day I did manage to pen down a piece of flash fiction, though – once that is edited I will see what I shall do with it.

Dear Reader, do you ever feel stretched thin over your life?

As if you can’t quite cover everything you need to be and do without effort, like a blanket that is just barely enough to cover your body at night? There’s no stress, really, and you’re not failing at anything – it just takes constant effort to balance everything and make sure you manage. That’s kind of how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks, and I’m not sure why. Part of it may be saying good bye to my previous haunt, as I’ve mentioned before.

On October 1st I took my leave of the little coffee shop, individually explaining why to all of the old staff and thanking them for their service, conversation and friendship – all that remains now is explaining my absence to the new manager. I think I know how to phrase it, so now I just have to find a good time when she’s there. I pass there almost daily, so I have stopped in to say hi, resisting the urge to get my usual order. It’s a bit tough, leaving a place you’ve practically called home for eight years. But hey, at least I’ll save a bit of money, eh?

It was the right thing to do.

Forgive me if I’m not making complete sense – I really should be headed to bed. But first, this week’s recommendations! There’s no theme to them today, except that all three are things I only recently read/saw/listened to.

So, until next time – have a good weekend!